The best of days, the worst of days.

**post originally written on March 13. My 25th birthday**

This week, I am hating adoption.

GASP.

I know.

My heart is just hurting.

Sometimes I feel like it's this overwhelming discomfort.

I walk around with this stabbing pain in my chest, and just have to keep on breathing. Keep on going.

There is just so much involved. So many involved.

I watched some show about adoption the other day, and it all just seems too surreal.

Adoption doesn't REALLY happen, does it?

I am not whole.

Sometimes I wonder if this is just how it's going to be.

Happy Birthday to me.

--------

Yikes!

My three year old is a total drama queen. At least I know where he gets that from.

I have really debated publishing the above post at all. It's just such.a.downer.post. But, then I remembered that I want to ALWAYS remember EVERYTHING about this journey. Some day, when I'm holding my beautiful child in my arms, or threatening time out to the same rambunctious toddler, I want to remember the miracle they are; how there were moments, days, weeks, and long months, where I thought there was just no way I would be able to find them.

And no way that they could defy everything, and make it into my family.

Right now, it seems impossible.

So, I'm going to publish it. All heart broken and self loathing.

Because this is our journey.

And no. This is not an april fools joke.