Friday, April 29, 2011


The National Infertility Awareness Week® challenge
is about breaking the myths that surround infertility
and the ways people build their families.

I have been staring at my computer screen all week.
Trying to make something appear on the screen.


Then, yesterday, I called my sister practically in tears, because my 2 year old doesn't know the alphabet.
True story.

As I started grumbling about this and that, I came to one conclusion: clearly all the problems in the world, were an indication that I was dropping the ball as a mother (say what?? Ya. I went there.)
Then she handed the phone over to the big guns: My mama.

My Mom started to explain all the reasons why I am actually THE BEST MOM THERE EVER WAS (right?? You said that, right mom??) and then her phone died. So there I was, sitting in the car outside Trader Joe's, waiting for husband plus two offspring, to finish their shopping...
I needed some ice cream, ya know?

Once husband buckled the babes into their car seats, he kindly reached over and put his arm around me. At that point, the water gates really let loose. He held me a little tighter, and ever-so-sincerely said, "It's ok. Our boys will learn to read some day!"

Funny, right?

Then I just melted.

Truth be told, it's not about reading. It's not about the fact, that for some reason, both of my boys ALWAYS (I mean always. WHAT GIVES??) skip the number four when they are counting.
It's the fact that I love to put everything on me.

MYTH: My infertility is about me. Personally.
This blog post is for me.

Dear Taylor,

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.
He CHOSE you.

It is hard.
You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,
It's ok.
Because it's not fair.
Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.
But yours does not.
And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it,
sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you.
It is not an attack of your character.
It is not a punishment for something you have done.
It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.
Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.
You were not forgotten.

Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are. I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.
He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!
But, he would need to make you differently.
Not to break you.
But to create miracles for your eyes to see.
Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.
But you were made from scratch!
Everything you have been given, has been given by God.
"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard.
But don't ever feel broken.


According to Wikipedia:
Infertility primarily refers to the biological inability of a person to contribute to conception.Infertility may also refer to the state of a woman who is unable to carry a pregnancyto full term

MYTH: Only families without children, suffer from infertility.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Roll Call.

So, my home girl Heather did this once on her blog.

I want to do it.

Are you here? Or there?
Who's with me?

I mean, I know that my sister reads this (hey sissy)!
But is anyone else out there??

Let's be honest, I have sitemeter, but, uh, I have no idea how to use it.
All I know is it got me all sorts of curious.

Be a dear, and let me know you stopped by that I don't think everything I write is dissolving into thin air
... with the exception of my sister.

Wait. Wrong blog.
That's not true.
At all.

Just tell me who you are.

Friday, April 1, 2011

The best of days, the worst of days.

**post originally written on March 13. My 25th birthday**

This week, I am hating adoption.

I know.

My heart is just hurting.
Sometimes I feel like it's this overwhelming discomfort.
I walk around with this stabbing pain in my chest, and just have to keep on breathing. Keep on going.

There is just so much involved. So many involved.
I watched some show about adoption the other day, and it all just seems too surreal.
Adoption doesn't REALLY happen, does it?

I am not whole.
Sometimes I wonder if this is just how it's going to be.

Happy Birthday to me.


My three year old is a total drama queen. At least I know where he gets that from.

I have really debated publishing the above post at all. It's just But, then I remembered that I want to ALWAYS remember EVERYTHING about this journey. Some day, when I'm holding my beautiful child in my arms, or threatening time out to the same rambunctious toddler, I want to remember the miracle they are; how there were moments, days, weeks, and long months, where I thought there was just no way I would be able to find them.

And no way that they could defy everything, and make it into my family.
Right now, it seems impossible.

So, I'm going to publish it. All heart broken and self loathing.

Because this is our journey.

And no. This is not an april fools joke.