We feel so privileged to have the opportunity to be a part of Open Adoption. We plan to have an open dialogue about adoption in our home from the very beginning. It will never be a secret where our children come from! Adoption is a blessing that we want to celebrate, not a topic that we hope to disguise or hide.

We hope that our children will always know their biological families. We believe there is no harm in a child knowing they are loved by more than one family! What an honor. Of course, we are very willing to exchange pictures, stories, phone calls, and many, many visits! We hope that you would feel welcome in our home. We hope you will choose to be a part of our family, at whatever degree you are comfortable with.

I remember when Chris was a Sophomore at BYU Hawaii. One of his professors just adopted a beautiful baby girl. We were walking around campus, when we ran into them. We admired the little girl, and I remember saying, "We would love to adopt some day!" Strangely enough, her reaction confused me; the look on her face stayed with me until just a few months ago.

You see, she looked at me, as if to say, "Adoption is not a hobby. Not just some thing I decided to 'pick up' in your spare time. This is my life." all while saying nothing at all. Just a very intense, contemplative look. It's hard to explain.

Let me try.

Chris and I have always wanted to adopt. When we were dating, we would talk about having 8 biological children, and adopt 4. Just like that. No biggie. Ya know, it would be easy as breathing. 1, 2, 3, 4... 12. Done. My husband is the most loving man I have ever met. Children are drawn to him, and he loves them very easily. Together it just seemed natural to have a million little 'uns running around the place.

But we figure we would have many of "our very own" first.
That sentence is very hard for me to write. Especially knowing what we know now.

It wasn't until I held my dying son in my arms, before he really ever got to live, that I realized what was expected of us. There were so many revelations given to us that day, and they would continue on through out the following days. I would love to share with you the general idea, and speak to you more personally about each of them some day.

First, we knew that we were not to have any more biological children. It was as clear as day; as if a person divine stood in the room, clearly speaking the words to us. More specifically so, it was not simply, "YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ANY MORE BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN", but "YOU ARE NEVER TO ATTEMPT TO HAVE ANY MORE BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN. MOVE FORWARD." Turns out, my pregnancy/delivery was so life threatening, the medical aspect only later confirmed what was expected of us. But we already knew.

Knowing I would never be pregnant again was a hard thing for me to deal with. We had been pregnant 11 times. Each miscarriage was dealt with as a minor set back, and we would plow forward, determined to get pregnant once again. I never once wavered, or thought, "this is it", until the expectation was as clear as day. MOVE FORWARD.

For days we marveled at how blessed we were to have our two sons, and looked forward to the day we would get to raise our sweet baby in heaven. We were grateful, happy, and awestruck at how lucky we were to have our healthy, happy boys that were strong, wild, and full of life. We came to the conclusion that our little family of 4 was just as perfect as the family of 14 we had envisioned for ourselves.

Only once I felt content with our life, and I didn't long for a life I would never have, Heavenly Father clearly let us know that we still had specific spirits that needed to come to our family. The realization that we were supposed to adopt was not shocking. It was a natural transition.

We decided to look into adoption a year or two down the road.

But then, I felt it like a wave: No. You need to start the adoption process NOW. I remember saying a prayer. I knew what was expected of me, but it seemed impossible. That day, I decided I would turn my will over to the Lord. I would do whatever he intended me to do, but he had to guide us both, because we were walking blind at this point.

Through sacred experiences that very day, being in the right place, at the right time, having friends that listened to the Holy Ghost, we knew, without a doubt, adoption was always supposed to be a part of our life. This was always the plan! It was not the backup plan. It was not the conciliation prize. It was not some sort of hobby that we could pick up later in life, after all "our very own" came. It was not random.

We know that we have specific little spirits that are waiting to come to our family. We need to find them, and make sure we do not stop until they are all found. I'm honored to know that they will come through the miracle of adoption; that was the plan from the beginning.

So I understand what that look was all about from the woman years before. She was saying, "I did not choose adoption. The Lord did. And I listened."