Friday, February 25, 2011


This post is not for you. It's for her.

Dear you,

I have never felt more love for you than I do now. Are you reading this?

For whatever life that is awaiting this precious spirit you are bringing to the world, I have felt this compelling sense of protection and love for you. I feel so strongly, an intense feeling, that I just want to "take care of" (for lack of a better phrase) you. All I know is Heavenly Father wants us so badly to show you his love, and wants you to have a beautiful life. I feel like shouting from the rooftops, because I know that a marvelous life awaits you, and I feel like you are just sitting on the edge of something incredible the Lord has saved just for you at this point in your life.

Whatever the outcome, we pray that the spirit will guide us all.

Honestly, I don't know what to expect. At all. I have no idea of what is to come. As vulnerable as we feel in this situation, we know we could end up heart broken; however, for whatever reason, I am moved to love you completely. We pray for you every day! We know that whatever the outcome, both of our lives will be enriched by knowing each other.

Thank you so very much for sharing your life with me!

I have only ever considered adoption as a true miracle. I haven't been able to wrap my head around the true trenches that must be walked through, in order for the miracles to be brought forth. My heart and soul ached, to think about the shadow of the valley of death your family must walk through; the anguish and pain is beyond anything comparable, something close to an actual death. The death of a life that would have, could have been.

I suppose that is why birth families must always be held in the most highest regards. To choose a child's life over their own, is beyond commendable. It is choosing death. But it is choosing life.

It shakes me to my core, to know that in order for me to complete my family, something I am driven to do, that others would have to be broken, to have their soul wracked in pain, in order to give me the greatest blessing in life; one that I could not provide on my own. One that the Lord was not willing to provide for me---without adoption. I have suffered a similar (not comparable. only similar) death, when realizing that I would never be able to create that gift on my own. I can not fully comprehend the reverse of the situation, yet can see how it would torment the soul.

I strongly desire to protect my children, and give them the world, too! I would hope that I would be able to die for them, if needs be. Something that I now view similar to adoption. It IS a death, in some way. It is the death of the life that could have been. With that, I commend you for choosing to give that sweet baby the most precious miracle of all: a family. One where he could accomplish all the dreams that you could ever think of for him, where he is allowed to learn and grow with a righteous priesthood holder as his father, be sealed to his two parents, and always be grateful for the life his birth family offered him from the start. That is incomprehensible.

I have to believe that adoption is Plan A for Heavenly Father. I have to. I have to believe that he would not give me a broken body, incapable of producing children on my own, without providing me with a Plan A. I have to believe that I am as loved, protected, and watched over, as anyone other child of his. I have to believe that Heavenly Father DOES have specific spirits that he has set aside specifically for me. And that they will come through adoption. And that it will not be a back up plan. It will have always been my plan! And because it will have always been my plan, it will have always been that precious birth families plan, as well. He will know that I would find a kindred spirit, dear enough to break her very own heart, to give the absolute best for their child; in turn blessing me with that baby that was always meant for me!

While I know that you know all of the things that I have already said through your own experiences, I can guarantee that it will never be easy to compensate for the loss that is incurred in your family. While your arms are left empty, I hope your hearts can find the satisfaction with the miracle that you were able to help orchestrate. That you have protected and loved your child to the highest degree. That is not something that I will pretend to know anything about. I will only be able to continue to pray that your hearts can be healed. That the balm to your aching heart can simply be the truths that you already know.

I know I have a kindred spirit that I knew before I was born. She decided she would help the Lord make me whole. Without her, I am not... If you feel like you are that kindred spirit, let's do this! Let's make some magic. Let me love you and give you strength as you dare to attempt the impossible.

With all my love,

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Happy 24 Days of approval.

Today we officially turned down our first adoption situation.

And as I sat on the couch with Chris, sobbing about it, all I could muster up was, "Dang it."


We really want to go for this situation. Everything in me is pulling towards it. My brain says: It's perfect. It's exactly what I would have always wanted.

And those are the best.
...says the fraternal twin herself.

We want it! We want it so bad. But tonight, as we sat on the couch, with tears streaming down our cheeks, begging Heavenly Father to tell us "YES!" I felt it go straight to my heart, "You already know the answer," and I crumbled into a ball, right into Chris' arms, "They're not our babies..."

And then the reminder that we are fully incapable of completing our family on our own, consumed me, and I had to remind myself to breath.

I will never again KNOW that a child belongs in my family, simply because I can feel him moving within my own pregnant body. I don't know how on earth my children will make it into my arms; where they will come from, when they will arrive. I don't know what they will look like, or how long it will take for them to get here. I have no concept of how they will defy all odds and make it into my family. This time around, I don't have a pregnancy calender, reminding me daily of what is awaiting for my family ahead.

Instead, we can only follow the spirit, and pray that he will guide us. And pray that we will KNOW.

I have felt so stretched this past year. Seeing-what-you're-made-of tricks are really painful. And I'm tired. I'm ready for the red carpet to roll out in front of me, with bright lights leading the way to a billboard that says, "THIS CHOICE", while I sit back and enjoy the ride, with nothing actually expected of me, and then WA LA! Done.

No more thinking involved.
No more tears involved.
No more wondering involved.

But that would mean no more faith involved.

Ah ha.

Sometimes I don't think I have the strength to do this. I want to pack up my family of four, and call it even. But I am pushed forward, with the knowledge that Heavenly Father has a better plan for me. He knows what I can handle. I want the easy road to be the right choice. I want so badly to e-mail back the case worker that I've been talking to every day, and say, "YES! We are in." But, instead, I some how have to figure out how to walk away from something so obviously easy to choose.

And have faith my baby is still on his way.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Say what??

Once we decided to adopt, I started scouring different adoption blogs I could find. Chris would always laugh when he would see me reading some blog, and he would ask, "Oh, who are these people," as he would plop down next me. Then, I mumble something along the lines of, "Uh....well... I don't know. I just found them. BUT LOOK!" and then go on to tell their whole life story.

He thought I was totally creepy ( is) because I would spend hours reading blogs of people that I had never met; simply to learn about their adoption journey. The whole idea of someone wandering around with their heart on their sleeve, searching for these little spirits that are meant for their family, is just intoxicating. Especially for an adoption novice like myself, that happens to loose sleep about the "how, where, when" aspect of our journey.


There are a few blogs that I have actually saved, because I was enamored by them. I am honored that our family is being spot lighted on dear Kenna's blog (after stalking her all these months....ahem). She is an amazing woman who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death. A few times. And she is alive and kicking!! They just recently adopted their FABULOUS little guy after an exhausting search.

I couldn't be happier for them.

And when you are still reading her blog a few hours from now, and your husband rolls his eyes at you because he thinks you are weird to look at a blog of a total stranger, don't say I didn't tell you so.