Happy 24 Days of approval.

Today we officially turned down our first adoption situation.

And as I sat on the couch with Chris, sobbing about it, all I could muster up was, "Dang it."

.

We really want to go for this situation. Everything in me is pulling towards it. My brain says: It's perfect. It's exactly what I would have always wanted.

Twins.

Fraternal.

And those are the best.

...says the fraternal twin herself.

We want it! We want it so bad. But tonight, as we sat on the couch, with tears streaming down our cheeks, begging Heavenly Father to tell us "YES!" I felt it go straight to my heart, "You already know the answer," and I crumbled into a ball, right into Chris' arms, "They're not our babies..."

And then the reminder that we are fully incapable of completing our family on our own, consumed me, and I had to remind myself to breath.

I will never again KNOW that a child belongs in my family, simply because I can feel him moving within my own pregnant body. I don't know how on earth my children will make it into my arms; where they will come from, when they will arrive. I don't know what they will look like, or how long it will take for them to get here. I have no concept of how they will defy all odds and make it into my family. This time around, I don't have a pregnancy calender, reminding me daily of what is awaiting for my family ahead.

Instead, we can only follow the spirit, and pray that he will guide us. And pray that we will KNOW.

I have felt so stretched this past year. Seeing-what-you're-made-of tricks are really painful. And I'm tired. I'm ready for the red carpet to roll out in front of me, with bright lights leading the way to a billboard that says, "THIS CHOICE", while I sit back and enjoy the ride, with nothing actually expected of me, and then WA LA! Done.

No more thinking involved.

No more tears involved.

No more wondering involved.

But that would mean no more faith involved.

Ah ha.

Sometimes I don't think I have the strength to do this. I want to pack up my family of four, and call it even. But I am pushed forward, with the knowledge that Heavenly Father has a better plan for me. He knows what I can handle. I want the easy road to be the right choice. I want so badly to e-mail back the case worker that I've been talking to every day, and say, "YES! We are in." But, instead, I some how have to figure out how to walk away from something so obviously easy to choose.

And have faith my baby is still on his way.