Clarification.

The other day I was talking to someone. Out of no where, they asked a question about what we want in our next baby: gender, race, etc.

I get questions inquiring about specifics we want for our next baby all the time. And each question I just let roll of my back, and laugh to myself. I guess that people assume that since we have put in the time to get approved, completed the work, and are ready to have a baby, that we are basically reaching out for a baby to fall out of the sky, into our lap.

Not true.

I am not looking for any baby.

I am looking for my baby.

In the same way that I know that J, Hugh, and Walt were meant for my family, I know-- I KNOW -- there is another baby that belongs in my family. IN THAT EXACT SAME WAY.

And I want to find THAT baby.

This is best way I know how to explain it: When people decide to add a child to their family, they generally get pregnant and wait nine months. Like most people, those nine months are not always glamourous, and super fun: it is a. lot. of. work. But anyone would do it again, to get the miracle that is their child.

Obviously.

So, once you are in the hospital, and the baby is born, it's time to go home. YOU WANT TO TAK YOUR OWN BABY HOME. You don't want to take just any baby that is available at the hospital. But why not? You have put in the time. You are ready to be a parent. You want a baby! So why does it matter what baby you get? A baby is a baby. Does it really matter? Why not just take what you can get?

You would never dream of taking home another baby that was not yours.

And that my friends, is how I feel about adoption. We have not done all the work, simply to run home with the first kid we can get our hands on.

We want OUR baby.

And we will keep searching.

Home visit.

Well, it's done.

Christine came to visit our humble abode (and car, actually) today. At the start of this whole process, the idea of someone coming over to inspect, essentially, not only our home, but our family life, was some what overwhelming. But once I realized it would be our own case worker (who has an invested interest in us---not just some random third party person) that would be doing the dirty deed, I felt much more calm about it. I didn't really think much of it after that point.

And then we moved two weeks later. Awesome.

I felt like we were still getting our own footing in our new place, boxes still full, figuring out what goes where, slightly chaotic, etc. I planned to get the place into shape the weekend before she was coming, and then not think about it again.

But then we went out of town all weekend.

So Monday morning I spent a good time running around town, trying to get things to put the house in order. This morning, things were just out of control! We had bought things, had to return things, and put other things together, rearrange things, and move things around. Oh, and ya know, clean. It was crazy.

Good thing it was Tuesday! The boys were at play group and preschool, and I worked my tail off until the second Christine knocked on the door.

And then it was done.

We have officially completed everything on our check list that we need to do.

Well, sort of.

OBVIOUSLY, THERE IS STILL A LOT LEFT TO DO.

Sigh. A lot.

Ya know, like find our baby.

Sigh. Again.

So, it's a funny thing to say: we are done.

When clearly, we have just scratched the surface.

However, instead of dreading about how much we really have left to do (ah, so much, and so daunting), today we choose to celebrate the fact that WE HAVE DONE ALL THAT WE CAN UP TO THIS POINT. It's a good feeling. Actually, a great feeling. I feel some weight lifted off my shoulders.

And that's all that we can ask of ourselves today.

SIDE NOTE:

We are NOT approved yet.

Our homestudy has already been written up, and we have been presented before the committee.

We have been "pre-approved", until the following things reach our case worker, and she pushes the magic button:

-1 more personal reference that she has not received yet

-Chris' doctor approval form (he has already seen the doctor, just needs the paper signed)

-And our 500 (or 6) fingerprints to come back clear (we had to get additional prints done, because we have lived in three states in the last five years. Beautiful.)

So, we are praying for speedy arrival of these last things, so we can get this show on the road.

Couple Interview.

Our case worker is a stallion.

We are "one of those" type of adoption applicants that has sort of flown through the steps, in order to get approved, which is awesome for us, but kind of hectic for our case worker. She has been working like crazy to complete our home study, and get us all approved, etc.

Oh, and she is getting married in TWO WEEKS.

She rocks.

So, our couple interview was today. We also completed our homework hours, and turned those in.

Done. And done.

We have our home visit on Tuesday, and that's it.

Our check list is getting smaller and smaller.

After next week, the last thing on our list is: FIND BABY.

Easy, right?

From R House.

During our personal interviews, Christine (case worker extrodinaire) asked me how I feel about being a mother. Then she asked me about our road with infertility. With both questions I sat there silent, with tears streaming down my cheeks before I could formulate my answer.

Sometimes, it seems there are not really words to adequately describe the honor of being a mother. And because of my trials, I am reminded daily of how beautifully orchestrated my life really is.

I began describing how simply hearing, "I love you Mom" is the greatest part, how we cherish the blessing of parenthood, how holding my dying son in my arms changed me, and how my heart has been broken, shattered, and then put back together. It is hard for me to talk about motherhood, infertility, and adoption, without talking about the other. They are all a piece of our story, each our own blessing! Breath taking, and lovely; heart breaking, and defeating.

Then, I found this on The R House. And I thought, Ya. Like that.

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then there was my love and adoration of abraham and sarah in the old testament.

dear sarah who must have felt so many of the same feelings i have felt. she and abraham waiting decades and decades and decades for their little boy. sarah watching hagar become pregnant and bear ishmael. that must have been so hard for her. how her heart must have hurt.

then, the news that isaac was on his way.

abraham fell on his face and rejoiced. we know that feeling.

isaac means, "he laugheth."

the child of promise and heir of the promises made to his parents.

after all those years of waiting for their dream to come true. here he was.

only to be asked to sacrifice isaac a few years later.

sarah must have known.

she let abraham and isaac go.

oh, her faith! she knew the Lord would remember her.

can you imagine after all that waiting and pain, then to be asked to sacrifice your miracle, your son?

no.

however, the Lord already knew that abraham would obey. he already knew abraham's heart. but the Lord needed abraham to know that abraham would do whatever He needed him to do. i think there must not have been much harder for abraham than this moment.

the Lord needed me to give up my old dream. He took the thing that was the hardest and most dear to me. the thing that i wanted more than anything else and He asked me to sacrifice it. He needs me to know that i can give up my dream for His.

i suppose this is what takes faith. to know that the Lord has a plan for you, knows you and loves you. sometimes we do not know the good gift that we'll be given. it may not be what we were thinking. but, we can have faith that there is a good gift out there for us.

i am reminded of "the infertility" talk in conference by elder spencer j. condie called "Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises."

the Lord will remember us.

here is my favorite section from the end of his talk:

The Apostle Peter testified that “the Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering” toward us (2 Peter 3:9). In this age of one-hour dry cleaning and one-minute fast-food franchises, it may at times seem to us as though a loving Heavenly Father has misplaced our precious promises or He has put them on hold or filed them under the wrong name. Such were the feelings of Rachel.

But with the passage of time, we encounter four of the most beautiful words in holy writ: “And God remembered Rachel” (Genesis 30:22). And she was blessed with the birth of Joseph and later the birth of Benjamin. There are millions on earth today who are descendants of Joseph who have embraced the Abrahamic promise that through their efforts “shall all the families of the earth be blessed, even with the blessings of the Gospel, which are the blessings of salvation, even of life eternal” (Abraham 2:11).

When heaven’s promises sometimes seem afar off, I pray that each of us will embrace these exceeding great and precious promises and never let go. And just as God remembered Rachel, God will remember you.

the Lord suffers with us. He is in the trenches of our despair and tears with us. He's not telling us to be patient, He wraps us in His arms and whispers, "I know. I know."

Individual Interview

We had our individual interviews today. After some emotional answers, explaining our thoughts on adoption, infertility, being parents, our families, and more, we were done. It took less than an hour each.

Then, we nailed down the rest of our process:

The approval committee meets together once a month. They are meeting this Tuesday, November 2nd. Since Christine is a rock star (really, we have loved all of our time with her), she is going to ask that we be pre-approved, which is a tender mercy; she is going to take all our paper work that she has so far, and present it to the committee. This will mean that we will officially be approved immediately after everything else is submitted; otherwise, we would have to wait a whole month before the committee meets again.

Our "couple interview" is scheduled for November 5th.

Our home visit is scheduled for November 9th.

And then we are done.

Well, whatever that means.

At that point, Christine will write up our ten page home study. Her goal is to have that completed by November 16th.

Then it's go time. It's getting closer.

GO TEAM.

Lots of paper work.

Wow.

We received all of our paperwork October 8. I remember when Christine handed us the overflowing folder, I thought, "You have got to be kidding me; we will never complete this!" She said it usually takes a few months to gather everything we would need, so not to worry. With a heavy sigh, we started flipping through the paperwork to figure out where to even start. Immediately, the overwhelming feelings started to fade, and we were feeling more optimistic. I even started filling out information on the drive home. Chris laughed, and said, "If we take it all back today, she is going to think we are crazy!"

Strangely enough, we finished most the physical paperwork over the weekend. We also completed the first phase of information online. We scheduled our fingerprinting appointments, doctor visits, and registered for CPR/First Aid. We shopped for all the stuff we need for our home visit checklist, installed this and that, and printed off everything that would prove we were living humans, married, sealed, legal, working, insured, etc. etc. etc.

Phase two was completed October 15th. Phase three was very intimidating. It was some how finished later that week, as well. We officially turned in all our paper work, and submitted our online information October 20.

Christine is out of town for a conference. She scheduled our personal interviews for October 29th.

And here we are. After answering hundreds of questions, printing, scanning, downloading, uploading, researching, writing, typing, e-mailing, scheduling, calling, driving, and even some white out, we are relieved to be done with this first part of the process. It feels good. Real good, even!

Oh. And we are moving today.

.we love chaos.

Even in our dreams.

Oh sweet baby,

I know that you will be a part of our family, so very soon. I do not know if it will be a month, or not for many years to come, but my heart knows you are so close. I know you are there, and I know that we will find each other. I feel it in my bones.

I keep having this dream, where a child is telling us to hurry. It's like we are playing hide and go seek. Chris and I are wandering around this maze, stumbling around like maniacs, both looking for this same child. In my dream, I have this overwhelming feeling to hurry. hurry. hurry.

"Hurry and find me."

And then I wake up.

Dear sweet, sweet baby. We are looking for you. We are more than happy to find you, and look forward to that moment when your dear mother gives us a piece of her heart, by kindly guiding us to you, when we will tearfully proclaim, "Oh there you are!"

Until then, we will keep searching for you.

Even in our dreams.